After spending most of the weekend with friends who have new born babies a lot of shit came flooding back to me. The winding, the nappies, the lack of sleep, every other woman in the world that knows better than you…the list is pretty long to be fair.
This weekend is what has inspired to me to right this particular blog post. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t know shit about parenting. I totally wing it. Every single day is a gamble in my household. But, there are a few things that I’d like to share. But remember, the beans are only two so I don’t have a wealth of knowledge in any of these areas.

Everyone knows about the lack of sleep that comes with a baby, and everyone knows that is highly likely you’ll shit yourself during labour. But there are few things people don’t openly share. Some are funny and some are a tad emotional. Others are just fucking insane. But here we go, from me to you.

One: Your constant shadow is kinda a complement.

I’ve never been the type of person that likes ‘alone time’ but this week I’ve signed up to a £32 a month gym just so I can grab moments of it.

We all laugh about how we remember taking a shit in piece or having a shower without a little audience member pointing at everything and asking what it is. But the truth is, if you work in a fairly high pressured job with lots of people and when you’re not at work you’re at home which, lets face it, is even more pressured, you’ll realise that you can’t remember what the voices in your head sound like.

However, when the beans aren’t with me I miss them. This is the sick side of parenting. They drive you nuts and are constantly hanging off your legs, but that is because they love you. Sometimes they want to get so close to me it’s like they’re trying to climb back in my vag.

No one on this earth wants to be with me that much. They love me more than anyone else ever could.

Two: The dignity you lose during child birth never returns.

Today I realised I had shit under my finger nail. I just grabbed a baby wipe (there is never a packet further than an arm reach away) and picked it out.

The beans played up so much one morning last week I was about ten minutes late to work. I was a pretty sweaty mess when I arrived so I walked over to my colleague’s desk and used his fan to woft my armpits and up my top. Side note – the beans actually got in the shower with me that morning so I didn’t have time to shave the pits that I was blow drying at work.

Every day, every single day, I have poo, wee, snot and or sick on me. I don’t change. I leave the house like it. I attend meetings like it. I go food shopping like it.

On a Sunday I drink wine. No matter where I am or who I’m with. Women of a certain age tend to frown have a mutter when they see me carrying the two beans and asking one of them to hold my wine glass.

I lost my dignity the moment I walked into that hospital, but I walked out with two little beans who love me despite it.

Three: They worry hasn’t gone and I doubt it ever will.

All parents worry. It’s just natural. It hasn’t gone away one tiny bit, it has just changed. I still check they’re breathing every night, I still whisper in each ear to check that they can hear me.

Worry comes in all different sizes. I worry about the future, about social media, boys, drugs and booze. I worry about tomorrow and the sharp edges that surround our world. I worry about school – should I put them in the same class or separate them. I worry that they’ll hate me.

Suck it up. It ain’t gonna change.

Four: You’re not half the woman you used to be.

On my lunch break I used to go to Boots and buy make-up, beauty products and general shit. Then I’d go to Topshop and buy a top and some other tatt.

Now, I go to Primark and buy two of everything in pink.

As cheesy as it sounds (get ready I’m about to be a soppy twat) their happiness comes above anything else. All I want is for them to have a life of love and smiles.

I still wear Mac make-up but I never wear matching socks. Old me hasn’t gone completely, I’m just not my first priority.

I’ll be in granny pants, ripped vests and faded jeans for ever more.

Five: You’ll never experience love like it.

You’ll feel pride when they wrap their little hand around your finger and when they do their first poo. Then they’ll roll over and take their first steps and your heart will explode all over again.

I’m only two and a bit years in and honestly, the love is unreal. Sometimes it’s unmanageable. They will always be my reason, my purpose and the best thing I’ve ever done in life.

DISCLAIMER – It’s Sunday so I have had wine. Spelling, grammar and tense my well be all over the place.