There are a few people in my life who are battling with their mental health at the moment. It can take its form in such different ways, but when it clutches hold of you the result is almost always the same.
I’m suffering at the moment. I don’t know if it’s my mental health or if it’s just a tricky time in my life, but some days I just wanna pack a bag and fuck off.
Feeling that then makes me feel immense guilt. It’s not that the beans and others in my life don’t make me happy or aren’t enough. I just get a crippling feeling of sadness that I think I can only escape by leaving it all behind and becoming someone new.
Holding down life can be pretty intense for me at times. As I’m sure is the case for 99% of people out there. Most days I’ve got it nailed, but some days I don’t feel like I can hold it together any longer. That someone has to share the load and let me breath. But then I’m overcome with guilt (again). We’ve all got it hard sometimes; we’d all like time to breath. I’m no different to the rest of the people out there.
I hate sympathy, like soooo much. But then I hate feeling under valued and under appreciated. I’m a complicated fuckwit, I get that.
It’s human nature for us to compare ourselves to each other. I often try and snap myself out of sadness by comparing my life to those who have far less to be grateful for. But that doesn’t really help, does it?
Your pain is your pain. So what if others have it worse, why does that make yours better or any less painful?
Example: the beans were born at 26 weeks, that’s a whole three months early. I was terrified. The baby in the incubator next to me was born at 24 weeks and one at the end of the room was born at 21 weeks.
Was their pain worse than mine? Was their fear and heartache more worthy than mine?
When we were ready to move to a hospital closer to home, the beans were one of the youngest there. Other babies were born at 28 weeks and upwards. I didn’t feel as though those parents shouldn’t be overwhelmed by as much worry and fear as me just because their babies had longer in the womb. What would that achieve?
I think we should all own our pain. Not be ashamed of the sadness we’re feeling or guilty for the ‘running away’ thoughts we have. By accepting them and trying to understand and overcome them, we’ll all just become better people.
Owning depression or anxiety will make us stronger, letting it define us will only make us suffer.
If someone in your life is unwell, no matter what the illness I’d suggest talking to them. Depression, anxiety or sadness can be a lonely, embarrassing and shameful place. When you’re there alone you can give into it and let it consume your world and being.
I know that my opinion isn’t worth much and that I have no real reason to be listened to…but that’s not why I write this blog. It helps me process and get an understanding of how I’m feeling and what’s important to me.
Staying sane and in control is important to me and writing it down helps me achieve it. Why I share it on my Twitter account…well that is beyond me!