Apparently, some super clever doctor person thinks that breast feeding should be taught in schools so girls appreciate it’s importance. I’m sorry, but how’s about fuck right off!! Let’s not start mum guilt at teenage – especially when half of them may not even want kids!!! It’s fucking ludicrous!

The beans were in NICU for three months, during which time I expressed my breast milk for them. Both tits at once, it was a magnificent sight but the stress this put on me was major. I wasn’t producing enough; old lefty shit tit was hardly giving me a drop.

On average, I would express at 7am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm, 11pm, 3am – repeat. Everyday, for three months. Doing this when you don’t have a crying, hungry baby next to you demanding it isn’t the easiest of tasks.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for a medal. It was my choice, I did it because I wanted to do anything that I could for the beans. I generally felt useless so expressing was the least I could do. But I also did it because I didn’t want to walk onto the ward empty handed. The pressure to express and breast feed was insane.

I would have a little cry to the nurses, and tried everything that they suggested. I ate oats until they came out my arse, took these herbal tablets that smelt of curry and every other day I would try ‘cluster expressing’. This was supposed to mimic when your baby was having a growth spurt. Essentially I had to express for 10 minutes every half an hour. I would have a screen around the two incubators and would look at the beans – hoping the emotion I felt for them would help the milk flow. Nope, lefty shit tit was not playing ball. I only had righty.

I felt shit; utterly useless and pathetic, like I was failing at every aspect of parenting. Not only could I not hold them in for the required nine months, but my blood type was different so I couldn’t help when they needed their transfusions and now my shit tits weren’t producing enough to feed them – they were only fucking tiny! It’s not like they ate a three course fucking meal!!

Despite my efforts and my sadness, some (and I do mean some) of the nurses did not ease up on the pressure. As the beans got bigger I had to split their milk with my own and formula. At first it was 50/50 but it very quickly became less and less boob. I’d decided that when the time came to take out their feeding tube, I was going to use a bottle. Not only did that mean their dad could feed one when I fed the other, but it also meant the pressure could ease off a little.

When I told the nurses, most of them understood. I had given the beans 68 days on just boob, and was slowly introducing formula. I’d done well – most of them thought that anyway. Some were not happy and continued to say ‘breast is best’ and that I should carry on trying. To be honest, it was fucking cruel.

The instant pressure new parents are under is pretty intense, I can’t understand why some people think we should start that pressure at school age. They’re thinking about exams, college, apprenticeships or just chilling for a while, not having a small person sucking on their nipples!

I’d guess that 99% of mothers would do whatever they could for their child. I would literally give them my blood, lungs, eyes…anything I could. If a mum decides she can’t or won’t breast feed, then we should trust her judgement. It doesn’t make her a bad mum or a selfish person. She’s just grown a fucking human; a tiny person has just come out of her body. She’s not selfish, she’s a fucking hero.