If you don’t like mum blog posts that moan like shit, wallow in self-pity and are full of self-indulgent “Isn’t my life hard” shit, then I suggest you close this post right down! You’ll hate it.
Isn’t my life hard?! No, I’m just dicking about.
I mostly write these posts because I like to get things off my chest. Not many people read it so I don’t feel obligated to write in a specific way or about specific things; I just write however I’m feeling. It would be reassuring to know that I’m not alone in how I feel sometimes, but equally I actually get really uncomfortable when people try to talk to me about what I write.
I’ve been a mum now for nearly three years and I’m exhausted. Always exhausted. The beans sleep really well, I know how lucky I am with their routine, but the tiredness is still always there. I think it’s because my mind doesn’t stop, there is always something. Food shopping, washing, vacuuming, showering, shaving, putting clothes away, contacting the builder, picking up the prescription, reducing my calorie intake, responding to that enquiry on time, preventing the shit storm, did I shout at the beans too harshly(?), buying more and more milk…there is always something.
I just want to stop. Just for a little while. No phone, no emails, no responsibility. I feel that way every day. Then the guilt kicks in and its gut wrenchingly constant. I can’t stop; it wouldn’t be fair to stop. The beans don’t deserve a mum that stops, the husband doesn’t deserve a wife that he can’t contact and my team don’t deserve a peer who fucks off. Not to mention the worry that would impact on my mum and a handful of my friends.
Sometimes I feel an incredible amount of pressure and I’d love to know if other mums do too, specifically working mums. Why do I feel as though I’ve never done enough and that it’s all my responsibility? Everyone else in my life is perfectly capable; they don’t actually need me to do it all of the time.
I know other mums want to not be mum for a while, but do other mums feel guilty for feeling that way? Like, really fucking guilty? Like you’re letting everyone down for feeling that way? And like a ‘while’ isn’t actually long enough.
I have got my shit together but I still feel like I’m drowning under it sometimes. Drowning under all the shit.
I love my life and I know that there are people out there that would absolutely kill for it…but sometimes I still want out of it, just for a little bit. A break from the pressure of what I look like, how I parent, how I daughter, how I wife and how I work. A break from the guilt, the sleepiness, the pressure, the constant.
Fuck me that was a miserable post. Boobies (.)(.)!!!!! ß I hope that cheers you all up.