For as long as I can remember I have hated the size and shape of my body. There is a photo of me on holiday aged about 10, in a swimming pool on my brother’s shoulders and I’m covering up my stomach. I’m 10 for fuck sake.
Since turning 30 I have defo come to terms with it more, but I’m not gonna lie, I still fucking hate it. Everyday I go out of my way to make sure my beautiful beans don’t feel the same way about themselves. I let them see me naked and watch me shower. I never associate food and weight when their little ears are around and I never comment on other’s appearance if the can hear me.
I don’t want to have to do this deliberately. I want it to be natural. It makes me sad that so much of my attention is on my weight and my appearance. I don’t know why I care and I certainly don’t want the beans to care what other people think of their perfect little bodies and faces.
I was chatting to a friend over the other day who easily one of the most successful women I know. She has smashed the shit out of her career and is so well respected by her peers and all those that work with her. But, she is still hung up on her appearance. She couldn’t help me figure out why, she can see all that she has accomplished, but for some reason still has her body hang-ups on her mind in all that she does.
It makes no fucking sense. Everyone has their own insecurities and is so hung-up on them that they probably don’t even notice when someone else walks in the room. Why can six people tell you you’re beautiful but it only takes one fuckwit to tell us we’re fat and we sink lower than a snake’s dick?
All I’ve ever wanted is to be beautiful and have a body that is healthy and fit as fuck. I’ve grown two humans, fed two humans, healed my own broken bones and gotten me where I need to be, why the fuck do I care so much that I’ve done that in a size 16 body?!
I don’t know why I don’t think my size 16 body is beautiful. I can see it in other people. Men are just as bad at hating what they look like. The men in my life are pretty fucking successful in their career and/or in their home life but most of them still hate something about their bods.
How can we knock this out of future generations? How can we stop our children from focusing on such shallow unimportant bull shit? Blaming the media is a copout. I mean of course it is to blame somewhat, but I wasn’t aware of the media pressures at 10. Ultimately the media only produce what society want, so do we just do it to ourselves?
If a modelling agency told me I was beautiful and put me on a billboard in Oxford Street would I then change a lifelong opinion of myself? Or would I listen to the trolls that slam every inch of me and call me fat with a massive chin?
I dunno, it’s all a mess really. It’s a mess that I desperately wanna protect my kids from. I’d hate them thinking of themselves how I think of myself but if I can’t stop thinking of myself so negatively, can I prevent them feeling the same way about themselves?
This post has a lot of questions in it and I truly do want people’s opinions. I don’t want all that “you’re beautiful” bull shit; I wanna know how I can break the cycle. I want the beans to love every inch of themselves and realise that beauty does actually come from within and whoever doesn’t see that is a bit of a prick (yes, I’m a calling myself a prick).