For all of my avid blog followers (hi mum) I thought I’d apologise for not keeping you updated on the thoughts that run through my mind and the shenanigans my beans get up to. I have a good excuse, honest.
The husband and I have decided to live separately. It’s very sad times but I am going to respect his privacy and not go into the details. He probably isn’t comfortable with me tweeting about the ins and outs of our marriage. Kinda fair enough really.
I will say that we’re still really good friends, the beans will always remain our priority and there is absolutely no bad blood between us. He is an amazing dad and my best friend. This wasn’t a decision we came to easily and we’re both pretty heartbroken.
What I can tell you is that I am fucking terrified. Like, shitting myself. I am 31 years old and have never lived on my own. Until last week I had never sorted out gas, electric, broadband…blah blah blah. I’ve always had a partner to help with shit, be that a friend or the husband.
Now I’m lost, I don’t know what the fuck to do. Everything is on a fucking meter?! I’m starting to worry if I flush the toilet too many times and day and shower for too long!
People in my life are supportive, calling me an independent woman and saying that exciting times are ahead, but I’m struggling to believe that. I feel like I’m starting again and I don’t want to start again. I just wanna be settled and happy in life. That should be something that is within my control so why am I not making it happen?
Is it okay that I’m fucking heart broken? Should I be feeling liberated and excited? Cos I’m not. I feel totally abandoned and disposable. Feeling lonely is an awful feeling, feeling as though you’re on your own and you have to tackle things with no support is terrifying and, being honest, I don’t know if I’m up to the job.
When the beans aren’t in the house, it just doesn’t feel like home. It doesn’t feel right. They’re part of me and I want them attached to me at all times. I know that is unreasonable, I have to work and they have to see their dad – more to the point I want to work and I want them to see their dad – but that doesn’t stop me feeling as though something is missing when I’m not constantly being asked “why mummy?” or “can we have a snack mummy?”
My Mum has been a hero, obvs. She has helped me through it all, but now she’s gone and it’s just me and my beans (when they’re not with their papa bear).
They seem to have adapted to the new house really well. Me and mum built their new bunk beds (totally bossed that flatpack) and they have been excited ever since. Though I’m not naïve enough to think this will always be the case. Last night bean#2 wouldn’t get out of the car for her dad because I wasn’t there, and I’m already dreading the inevitable point this weekend when they start crying for their dad. They have such a special bond with him, one that I can’t compete with. He provides a sense of comfort and fun that I can’t replicate and I know they’re going to crave that when he’s not there.
I’m sure things will get easier for all of us. No doubt we’ll all adapt and life will go down a different path; a path that will have a different type of happiness then I thought I’d have in my life, but happiness none the less. Ultimately what else matters? I’ll have happiness and health; my beans and wine.