I’m quickly learning more and more that I’m a total people pleaser. I’ll order a pizza to share even though I don’t really like pizza, I’ll not tell a person how I’m feeling in case it’s not what they want to hear. Truth be told, I am actually pretty fucking terrified to tell anyone all about me.
Apparently when you hit your thirties you get more confident and own who you are. I agree a bit, in the sense that I now accept this is who I am so I need to learn to embrace it cos it ain’t ever gonna change.
I’ll never be a size 10, I’ll never enjoy exercise; eating out and drinking wine does make me happy and having a PJ day with my beans is how I’d choose to spend my time. I have a shit tone of weaknesses and I’m a needy fuck, I won’t cry in front of other people but I will discuss my consistent piles and fear of being banged from behind cos I don’t like the thought of someone seeing my bum hole.
I’ve got some pretty sizeable demons in my closet and I’ll probably never tell anyone about them but still get intensely pissed off when they don’t understand all parts of how my slightly fucked up mind works.
My beans will ALWAYS come first. Not being with them all the time is easily crushing me. Don’t get me wrong, I know they’re happy and content. They’re healthy, clean and have full tummies, but I’m latching on to the fact that they’re doing all that without me. A lot of people seem to do just fine without me.
Why do I care so much about others happiness when it comes at the cost of my own? If someone hurts my feelings, I won’t tell them because I don’t want to upset them by telling them they’ve upset me. How fucking pathetic is that.
Now before you all start DMing me the Samaritans number, I’m totally, 100 per cent okay with all of this. I guess that’s the acceptance I’ve gotten in my thirties. I may not like it about myself, but I know it’s who I am.
I’m 31, and all the above is who I am so like it or suck my lady balls. I know it doesn’t flow and just reads like a ramble, but that’s how the inside of my mind works.
Pleeeeease don’t tell me that I’ll learn to love exercise, just cos you think I should. Don’t judge me for not taking the beans out every single day, maybe we like to just snuggle. I’m doing my best to please the people in my life, don’t be a prick and judge me for it.