DISCLAIMER: I have drunk (lots of) wine.
I never struggle to think of what to blog about, if anything I very often stop myself writing about stuff because I appreciate not everyone is an open book. Some people in my life might not like me sharing our shit online. This post comes from driving home today and listening to Jess Glynne, I’ll be there.
I remember talking to my Gramps on his 90th Birthday, I asked him how he was and he said to me that although he knew he was 90, he felt 50 and fabulous. I think about that all the time. Mainly because I’m a 32 year old single mum who, being modest as fuck, is kinda smashing this shit on my own; but I still feel like the same needy 18 year old I once was.
When I was listening to Jess, I was thinking about how much I wanted to feel loved the way she so clearly loves the person that song is about. The song actually made me think about the beans and how I will always be there for them, just like my mothership is there for me. But the song after that, and the one after that made me realise how I miss feeling loved.
I went to an all girls school, which I think gave me a bit of a fucked up view of boys. I held them on them on this pedal stall, I felt lucky if they liked me. I have always been a fatty and I have never really worn it very well, but when I was a teenager I wore it really badly. Any attention from a boy made me feel validated and I’d do anything to keep hold of it. I may not feel that desperate anymore, but I still feel the need to be wanted, to be desired, to be loved.
How I felt at 16, 17, 18, 19, 20…I still feel that way now just with a little more awareness and self respect. I want to have someone else in this world love me, for me. Not out of habit, not because I’m there, but because I am what they need to be happy. One of my closest and most loved friends got a tad mad at me a few weeks ago. She said that she was fed up of me needing a man to validate me. I don’t know if that is the case, but it hurt and it has made me think.
Do not get me wrong, when it comes to family I won the fucking jackpot. We’re all really messed up in our own unique ways, but we love the shit out of each other. But because I am an ungrateful prick I need more than that and I always have.
My Gramps still feeling the same at 90 as he did at 50 makes me think if I am always going to feel like this. In turn, that makes me mad as fuck. Why isn’t what I’ve got enough? I have two beautiful children who have fought off the odds and smashed the shit out of the three years they’ve been here. I have the best and filthiest friends in the world, my family are fucking epic, me and the ex have a great friendship and I have really lovely hair. Surly, that should be enough. Anything else should be a wonderful and appreciated bonus; not a necessity.
If the beans ever felt as though they weren’t enough, my heart would break. They are enough, they are more than enough. They are amazing, so kind, clever, stubborn, dramatic, sassy, loving, caring, funny and beautiful. They are enough.
Why don’t I feel enough? Does it all come down to going to an all girls school? Is it because the parents split when I was younger? Is it because I have seen the devastation of losing the person you love? Or is it totally normal and people just don’t talk about it?
Is it weak to say that I miss feeling loved? Last night when I was in bed my feet were freezing cold, I so badly wanted someone next to me to rub them against. Not only so my feet would heat up, but also because that would make them scream like a little bitch which would make me piss myself laughing.
When I first split from the husband it is safe to say I went into total crazy bitch mode. Anyone who was on the end of my drunken phone call was in for a treat. All I ever used to say is that I wanted to be enough for someone. I do still feel that way, just in a less crazy way.
In fact, I feel really happy at the moment.
I can say I feel happy because like so many people I have felt true sadness. I don’t feel sad now. I still don’t feel “enough”, I still listen to love songs and want to be loved like that. But I really am getting there and right now I have a smile on my face like I’ve just had the biggest tax rebate ever. I’m really happy; I’m learning a new life and a new version of myself.
I do need to be loved but when I am loved it will be when I’m ready and by a person who deserves this size 16, hairy, saggy, clever, stubborn, kind, caring and generous person. I’m fierce as fuck, but I still need to be little spoon now and again.