This year I will have a new years resolution, but for the first time in 20 years it won’t be focusing on losing weight (I’m coming to terms with being a fatty, I wouldn’t say that I’m embracing it but I sure as shit am fed up of trying to change it). This year I am gonna focus on attitude. My attitude towards myself. Yup, positive mental attitude (vom).
2018 was pretty shit to be honest. I moved out of my house and left my marriage inside it, I quit a job that I loved because I felt it had no future and I lost a few (but really two) of the best friends I’d ever had. Despite staying as positive as humanly possible, because being honest I still have so fucking much to be thankful for, all those things did impact how I looked at the world.
If you have read any of my other posts (hi mum), you’ll know I saw a shrink for a bit and I’m still on the happy pills everyday, but none if it really helped. So now I’m gonna use the excuse of a new year to change my attitude; and I’m confident it will work.
TBH I’ve always been able to focus on the good things in my life, but I have this horrible habit of not enjoying it, not feeling worthy of it and waiting for it to end. I’m convinced that is why I failed at my marriage; it’s almost like I wouldn’t let it work. I see an expiration date on all the happiness in my life and as a result I can’t enjoy it when I’m in it. I’m always waiting for it to end.
Having felt real pain in my life I’ll do anything to avoid it again, hence me quitting a job before the risk of getting sacked and walking away from a house I knew I wouldn’t be able to maintain. If I think it’s gonna end in pain, I’ll get the fuck out before it gets that far.
When I was seeing the shrink (btw I loved her and if I had the dollars I’d see her every week) she said that the first thing she noticed about me was my amazing self preservation and sense of fight of flight. I hadn’t even noticed, but for the first six weeks I didn’t even take my coat off. I perched on the end of the seat and I was ready to bolt at any moment, as soon as there was a risk of feeling pain I could be gone in 30 seconds. On the day she wanted to get deep (lol…deep) she made me take off my coat….and my shoes. I was going nowhere fast and the thought fucking terrified me. I only did that once; my coat and shoes stayed firmly on in every other session.
As I hit 2019, I am determined to enjoy it. I wish so much I had enjoyed more moments of 2011, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 and 2017. I went on amazing holidays, music festivals, worked with people that are now friends for life and I never really took it in. I was always second guessing the happiness, feeling unworthy of it and ready to escape potential pain… do they really wanna be on holiday with me? Are they enjoying this festival as much as me? Are they my friends because I work with them or because they like me? Now I just wanna me like: “Chill the fuck out Merryfield. Enjoy it whilst you’ve got it.”
As I’ve got older I have come to learn my flaws, I know what people see when they look at me, I know how I’m judged and what people think; but I’m finally starting to learn that I really shouldn’t give a shit.
I spent years making friends happy that are no longer in my life, pleasing bosses that ultimately looked after themselves, loving people that found it so easy to turn their back on that love. Now I want to focus on me and my beans. I want to get to a place where I can honestly believe that “if you are lucky enough to have us in your life briefly or forever than you should enjoy it just as much as me”.
Well…that’s what I’m telling myself now anyway. If it ends, if it changes, if pain is caused then so be it.
Right now I have some of the best relationships in my life that I have ever known. I am experiencing happiness that is incredible and although I’m still second guessing it and worried that I’m gonna lose it, I’m enjoying it too. I may not see the people I love as much as I want, being a single parent who works full time can make that tricky, but rather than laying awake at night worrying about losing them, I’m trying to trust in the relationship. Trust that they signed up to it knowing the deal.
Years are passing too quickly and I refuse to spend another one in darkness and self hatred. 2019 and all the years after it are going to be lived to the most; even if that means I have to wait and see what happens instead of running away before it does.