Man alive I am shattered. I have had the beans in bed with me for so many nights in a row I can’t remember how it even started. They go to sleep in their own bed, normally with a bit of a fight, but then they creep in with me in the early hours of the morning.
As much as I love the cuddles, I am so tired I am struggling to focus on shit. I’m not one of these people who can function with four hours sleep, I struggle to function with 10 hours sleep!
It is kinda lush though, Bean#1 always tells me she loves me and gives me a big cuddle when she crawls in and Bean#2 says that she needs a cuddle because she misses me…I mean…swoon!
But, now this constant sleepiness is getting me down. I am just fucking miserable all the time and constantly snapping at everyone. I’m hating myself, drenched in guilt and over thinking everything. I miss being me, you know?
I think it’s fair to say I’ve had a bit of tough time these last two years, and perhaps experienced some trauma, but I’m not the type of person who gets down over shit. I’m good at processing things, dealing with them in my own space and then moving on. I can only assume this mood is all down to the complete lack of sleep. Being tired and grumpy is making me focus on the negative and that pisses me off.
The handful of you who read my posts will know that I struggle with guilt. But this week after a lot of persuasion from my friends, I made a commitment to a new gym and I cut back on the old wine consumption. I am determined to cheer the fuck up.
The pounds need to be shifted too. This body keeps me going and grew me two fucking awesome humans, but it also really gets me down. It’s kinda disgusting to look at and to feel, so I’m constantly feeling ashamed and embarrassed of it.
It’s not that I want to be skinny, I don’t think that there is a classic beautiful or body shape, I just want to feel comfortable in my skin. I’m kinda okay with being a plus size person, but just not soooo plus sized.
Money as well…oh money woes. Once Bean#1 has crept in with me and fallen asleep on my stomach, I pretty much just lay there doing sums in my head. Making mental shopping lists and trying to figure out how to be thriftier.
Also, who has time in this world? I have so much shit to do and no time to do it. I’m terrified of losing friends and family because I’m not finding the time to maintain them and put the effort in. Seriously…what is the tiredness doing to me?? Of course my friends and family have my back. I know this, but I can’t believe it because I’m going mental with tiredness!
Normally I’d process all of this pretty rationally. Who doesn’t worry about money at the end of the day? Show me one person who is totally happy with how they look and doesn’t stress now and again over their appearance or have a bad hair day? As for snapping at the Beans, well they’re little sass pots who power struggle with me every day, I’m only human people!
But this mood is getting cray cray!!! I’m so fed up of feeling such self-hatred and worthlessness; I’m done with shouting at the beans and snapping at my family. I don’t want to carry on ignoring friends and just working, mumming and sleeping. I want to be me again. I’m determined to be me again.
I’m basically trying to figure out what it is that gets me down and then come up with solutions for fixing it. Aside from getting more sleep, I think I’ve figured it out. Watch this space I guess.