Soooo I’ve kinda said a lot that I’m not gonna put myself out there and date, well I’ve changed my mind. It will defo be tricky because I come with A LOT of baggage, and that’s not just the beans. We all know I’m a bit of fuck up.

In my head, this is how it will go.

Me: “Hey wanna bang sometime?”

Him: “Yeah, that sounds cool”

Me: “Fab. Although you should know I won’t take my sex vest off, the lights must be off, you can’t touch certain parts of me, you can’t do me from behind in case Pete the pile makes a surprise appearance and I’m pretty vanilla so don’t expect fireworks. Plus, I’m pretty needy so you’ll totally have to make me feel special and cuddle me afterwards. I drink a lot of wine and may just get pissed and fall asleep on the floor. Still keen?”

Him: …

But fuck it, I’m still gonna take the plunge despite the baggage. I’m not looking for a new baby daddy or husband number two, but I’m also not keen on just banging a load of strangers (there is nothing worse than a shit bang…well apart from over paying on a parking ticket (I hate it when I think I’ll park for four hours but only end up being there for one)).

I’ve dipped my toe in the dating pond and had two dates with two different men (SLUT!) but as I was in no way ready to jump aboard the dating train I just got utterly shit faced and made a total tit out of myself. I mostly spoke about my kids and the stresses of getting them to stop shitting in their night time nappy and actually use the mother fucking toilet during the day!! Sexy af, right?

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The downside is that I’m gonna have to start shaving again. Plus I’ll have to wash my hair more than once a week. God, I’m actually gonna have to be clean and make an effort. It better be worth it.  I think I’ll be mostly friend zoned but I’m kinda alright with that. Gotta start somewhere.

The gyming more often has defo made me feel better and happier. I’m still Fatty McFatFat but losing weight isn’t really why I’m going anyway. I’m just gonna have to find me a man who likes some cushion for the pushing. Can’t be that hard, right?

I’m still a queen, in no way am I gonna turn into a desperate mess in constant search for a man. But if he pops up (lol) then I’ll entertain the idea.

Any dating tips or advice then please chuck them my way!