The other day my mum apologised to me for any mistakes she made whilst I was growing up and it made me feel a bit sad. I’m sure she did make some mistakes, but that’s because as much I think she’s superwoman she’s actually only fucking human. It made me think if I had anything to apologise to the beans for. They’re only four years old but I have already made mistakes. I’m sure when they’re all grown-up we’ll sit down and chat about their lives, but right here and right now I wanted to write them an open letter so they know how much they’re loved.
To my beautifully sassy beans,
This is not the first letter I have written to you on my blog so I apologise if my talking of fingering, doggy style and Pete the Pile has caused you embarrassment. Although, it’s kinda my job to embarrass you, it will build character.
Anyways, the purpose of this letter is to reassure you that every single decision I make I have your best interests at heart. I will never ever intentionally hurt you, make you feel sad or cause you harm. Being your mum is the first thing I am and I will always do all I can to keep you safe, happy and healthy.
You’re both only four and I’m already making life decisions that so many people say are stupid. In fact, there are some choices I am making that no one supports, not even your nanny woof, but I am making them because I really do feel that it is what is best for you.
I’m so sorry that your dad and I couldn’t make it work for you. If I could change that I really and truly would. I wish nothing more than for you two to grow up in an environment that has love bursting at the seams, and your dad and I couldn’t provide that together.
Your dad will always be a huge part of me and I will never regret the 10 years we spent together. I hope to never make you feel that you can’t love your dad or that you have to choose between us. It’s my nightmare. All that matters is that you know you have a mum and a dad who absolutely fucking adore you; if me and him ever have beef that is not your concern.
I know I’ll make mistakes, I already have. The other day the two of you were in your bedroom getting frustrated because you couldn’t put on your “bucking trousers”. We all know where you learnt that word! On Monday I was a tad hungover so I just got us a takeaway from the kebab house. Bean#1 ate nothing but chips, at least #Bean2 got some chicken in her. I took you both to nursery today covered in pen. It was on your face, hands, feet…everywhere. That was because after your bath on Wednesday night you wanted to give yourselves tattoos like mummy. Honestly babbers, the list is endless of the mistakes I have already made.
You two currently love giving me a “French kiss”. I’m pretty sure that’s gonna have caused you some kind of trauma for later life. It started when you were babies and I’d ask for a kiss, you’d just grab my face with your little hands and come towards me with your mouth open and tongue out. I’d say that I wanted a proper kiss and not a French one. For some reason this made you both crack-up and it’s a kiss that still happens every night when I put you to bed and sing you your beanie song. Fuck it, it’s weird but it’s you two so it’s wonderful. I don’t wanna apologise for it.
It’s so important to me that you two have a happy childhood. We’ll never go on holidays abroad and you won’t have the most up-to-date phones or clothing, but you’ll feel loved and safe. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck but we shouldn’t take it for granted. Too many kids in this world grow up in battle fields, be that in their home or in their country.
I will do my best to not be a psycho mum. But you should know I have already been thrown out of soft play because some little shit pushed you both over and made Bean#1 cry. I of course calmly asked him to apologise first, but when he didn’t I may have lost my shit a little bit. I have also been known to confront drivers who have almost caused an accident whilst you’re in my car. The most recent being when we were at Nanny Woof’s. The pussy wouldn’t get out of his car, but trust me if he had I would have punched him in the throat. Prick.
It makes my piss boil babbers. The thought of anyone causing you pain. No matter their age, gender, race or creed. I’ll fuck them up.
Over the past four years I have got better at letting go. I no longer see danger around every corner but please bear with me. You were so tiny when you were born and the world is full of sharp edges. It’s my job to keep you safe. Like I say, I’m letting go a bit but Bean#2 you really push me. You see no danger anywhere. Stairs, hot water, knifes, glass…you just wanna jump in or off it all!
I never wanna squash who you are. I will always encourage your sass, your stubbornness, your attitude, your kindness and your loving ways. But I am the boss and I will always be the boss. This is a fact that you’re still trying to learn. You get those traits from me, so I will win beans. I will win.
We’ll fight, we already do. But we will always make up because you’re mine and I’m yours. I was listening to music this morning and an Adele song came on called Remedy. If you ever doubt my love or if you ever feel lost or alone then listen to it and then come to me. I’ll make it better.
I love you Beanios,