I’ve been thinking about validation. Human validation. Where do you get it from? Do you even need it? I reeeeeeeeally need it, which annoys the shit out of me. I crave it from my family, my friends, my employer sometimes I even need it from the beans.

I guess I’ve noticed it more since I’ve been single. I’ve been single for a long old time and throughout the entire time I’ve missed validation from a man. I know, I know…it’s disgusting and pathetic. That’s why it annoys the shit out of me. It makes me so mad, why do I need a man to validate me? Where has that come from?

Maybe it’s not validation, maybe its love. I’ve never hidden the fact that I love love and I love being in love. So, does that mean that love makes me feel validated? Am I not living my best life if I’m not loved by someone outside of my family and friends?

The thought of someone choosing to love me and finding all my needy and irritating traits lovable makes my heart swell. Fuck, I just read that sentence back. It’s so bad and kinda makes me feel ashamed to be honest.

I wish so badly that it wasn’t true but the point of my posts is that I’m honest. I can’t be the only person in the world who feels the need to be validated and misses the feeling of being loved.

Earlier this year I wrote a post about not needing love and wanting to find it from within. Well, what a load of bull shit that turned out to be.

I’ll never be one of those people who finds love and validation from within. I’ll always need it from other people and I’m not sure if that’s totally a bad thing. Surly the need to be loved and to love is what makes me not act like a total c*nt every day. I don’t want to be one of those people who don’t care what people think. I do care what people think.

Even if I don’t like someone I want them to like me. Is that fucked up? I mean I know that generally I’m pretty fucked up and I defo come with a sufficient amount of baggage, but does the need for validation make me fucked up? I am actually asking, so feel free to answer. I’ve got pretty tough skin so I can take it.

Just to be clear, I’m not ashamed of needing to feel loved I’m ashamed of needing to feel validated. Especially when that validation can come from a (vomit) man.

I tell the beans every day that they’re enough. They are enough on their own and don’t need anything or anyone else to make them better, stronger, fiercer or more sassy. If they felt they needed validation from a partner I’d feel really sad. If anyone is lucky enough to be loved by my beans than they should privileged, not as though they’re validating them and their purpose.

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So why can’t I apply that same feeling to myself. I have a job I enjoy, friends I’ve loved for decades, family that have my back and, of course, two wonderful children. In the words of Lizzo, I pay my whip by myself and I pay my rent by myself. Why on earth is that not enough to make me feel like a validated human? It’s sooooooo annoying!!

I’m a needy fuck, this is clear. But lately it’s gone to the next level. I actually feel sad that I’m not loved by a person I’m in a romantic relationship with. I have such little spare time and I live in the arse hole of nowhere so it’s not as if I have the time or the head space for a relationship, but I still want someone to want a relationship with me. Even though I don’t want a relationship with them. I know, right?

This is why I get worried about fucking up the beans. I don’t want to pass this on to them. Not only is pathetic but it’s nonsense. Surly I won’t actually feel validated by a man? I’m thinking I just think that is what will make me feel validated.

Truth of the matter I probably just need to come to terms with who I am and that who I am is okay.