Okay so we all know mum guilt is a thing, but it’s starting to get out of control for me. Actually, guilt is starting to get out of control. What is the actual point in guilt? What does is achieve? I wish I knew because maybe then I could figure out how to tackle it. If any of you folks out there have any tips, please throw them my way.

To simplify this post, I’ll list the things I feel mum guilt and general guilt guilt about.

  1. Not being with them ALL the time

By all the time, I literally mean all the time. When they’re at school, when they’re asleep, when they’re at their dads or grandparents; basically when I’m not there I feel guilty because I feel like I should be. I know they need to be independent, but I feel like I should be there more.

  1. Being a lazy mum

Fuck, I am lazy. I don’t bake with them every weekend or take them for long woodland walks after school. We don’t go to the park every day and I’m not on my hands and knees chasing them around the house before bed. I’m just kinda there. We cuddle a lot and we chat all the time, but I don’t actually do anything with them. I can’t always be bothered, but also, what the fuck do you do with kids?

  1. Getting frustrated with them every day

Despite missing them and feeling like I should be with them all the time, when I am with them I always get frustrated. They’re slow, they shout at me and they JUST DON’T LISTEN!! It drives me fucking mental. Please, for the 17,000 time, will you just take your fucking pants off your sisters head and put your FUCKING SHOES ON!!!!!

  1. Food

Just, food. If it isn’t a balanced and healthy meal three times a day, I feel like a shitty mum.

  1. Sleep

I have to wake the beans up for school every single day and I hate it! They love school and I know they want to go, but they also love sleep. It just feels like I’m going against nature. I have spent the last five years trying to get them to sleep and now I’m waking them up!

240120-2

  1. Being mean

Sometimes, I’m just mean. I say mean things to them or I hide from them because I just can’t cope with another tantrum. I hate myself afterwards, but that doesn’t stop the venom coming out my mouth.

  1. Going to work

I know I am teaching them a valuable life lesson by going to work, but also means I don’t do all the school runs and it means when we’re at home I have to do shit because I can’t do them during the day. I can’t play with them, I need to do the washing.

  1. Twin guilt

Having two children exactly the same age but totally different means that I treat them totally different. Bean#1 is so much like me and I find myself telling her off for being a little minx more so than Bean#2, which makes me feel that she feels unfairly treated. However, on the flip side, if Bean#1 is playing me up too much she is getting all my attention whilst calm and chilled Bean#2 is getting no attention. I can’t win.

  1. Love guilt

I honestly feel guilty for loving them so much. I don’t want them to feel under pressure because of my love. For example, they love being with their Dad but they always tell me that they’re going to miss me and I truly think they tell me that for my reassurance as opposed to their own. They know I will miss them so they want to make me feel better, that’s a lot of pressure on a four year old.

  1. Am I fucking them up, guilt

Basically, every decision I make I second guess. Once they’re in bed I feel sick with guilt because I think I’ve made the wrong decision.

In short, it’s fucking relentless. The guilt is relentless. The above list doesn’t even touch on the guilt I feel towards my family and friends, my employer and every other person in my life. I always feel like I’m letting someone else down.

I know we’re not superheroes, but I kinda wanna be. I want to be in control of everything I’m doing and I want to be a reliable person.

I’m sharing this because if there are any other mums out there that feel guilty ALL THE TIME, you’re not alone. We’re all in that guilt ship with you. I guess we just have the faith that we’re getting it right. If we don’t have that faith, then we really will plummet.

So take it from me. You’re doing brilliantly.