Hey, I’m back. It’s been a while, huh? So when the pandemic hit I kinda experienced a bad time. As you guys know I’m a single mum so I was kinda isolated and all of sudden had these expectations to home school, work and mum all in one go. I did all I could do to keep my head above water, and though I am still doing that now, I am back in a place where I can take a little me time and use that time to write.
As a result, this post might be a bit more ramblerly than normal and I might just be a bit blah blah blah…poor me…blah blah blah!
How are we all? I’m good, not great, but good. I think much like everyone 2020 hasn’t gone as planned. Having said that, some other things have happened instead. My job is going really well, despite crises comms being a huge passion of mine, I really think youth work is what I am supposed to do. Someone once said to me “damaged people attracted damaged people” and being hugely damaged myself, I think this is where I am meant to be; helping people who are struggling to help themselves.
I also think I have discovered something huge, I’m lonely. Really lonely. I miss having a person, and I now know I want one. I still don’t know to what capacity, but I’m fucking sick of feeling used and being picked up and dropped. I kid myself into thinking it’s empowering and that I’m using them as much as they’re using me, and at first I was, but now I want more and all these random encounters leave me with is wondering why they don’t wanna find out more about me. So I’m done with it. I’m off the dating apps and I’m looking for something a bit more meaningful. I know I’ll never find it, but I’m still gonna be open to it.
Oh, and I bought a puppy! He’s amazing. His name is Bear and he is the super most adorable little dog I’ve ever met (not including Sweep).
The mum guilt is still there and pretty strong, I didn’t do much home schooling during lockdown and I think Bean#2 has suffered as a result. I mean, she is still utterly perfect, but she seems to have taken a step backwards. I was working during lock down and struggling myself, so when I had the time to be with them I wanted to play or snuggle, not shout at them because they WON’T SIT DOWN!
The reason I stopped blogging was because I felt like all I had to say was negative and I couldn’t be positive and I kinda still think I am in that place. I don’t begrudge anyone happiness, I just want it for myself too and I don’t know if I am gonna find it. Though most of my posts may seem generally negative, they always come from a place that means well and end up being empowering, honest and hopefully, positive. This one might not be. I still don’t know if I can truly be in that place and I don’t wanna use this space as a platform for bullshit. I’m not okay and my job is telling people that it’s okay to not be okay.
I love my beans and being with them is the best thing, but I still super miss having a person. I don’t know if giving the Beans pasta two days in row is bad, if I should let Bear lick Bean#1’s face, if Bean#2 is behind in her reading, if I am overreacting about the little five year old that has pushed my child at school, if I am failing at my job because I’ve taken on social media when what I wanted to do was focus on helping young people, if I am getting fatter and fatter, if I should smash my savings to make Christmas extra special…all these things I just want support and help with but I have no one to ask. No one to support me.
Having said that, why do I need support from someone else? Does that make me weak? I boss a lot of shit on my own, and yes I’d like someone to talk to about it at the end of the day, but does that mean I need a person? An actual person? Do I just need to move closer to my friends? I have besties in Gloucester where I work, or even Southampton where I grew up. Should I just be there? Is that what I really need? Not a man, just to be closer to people who already love me?